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It is a melancholy object to those in this great land when we find our friends and family falling ill due to the incompetencies of the food industry, resulting in mad cowE. coli contaminationsalmonelladioxin poisoning, etc. Our people, instead of being able to get our protein in a safe and healthy way, are made to either depend on the pre-packaged products sold to us by food companies, or hunt our own game, or sell ourselves to a nutrient-deprived vegetarian lifestyle.

I think it is agreed by all parties that hunting game may not always be practical, giving thedeplorable state of wildlife a very great additional grievance. While wildlife is on the decline, the world faces a human population crisis. Therefore, whoever could find a fair, cheap, convenient method for feeding our growing population would deserve so well of the public as to be considered a preserver of humankind.

But my intention is very far from being confined to only providing a healthy nutritional source for the public; it is also to improve the condition of the world as a whole by transforming a large number of otherwise burdensome people into productive members of society.

I have been assured by a very knowing scientist that healthy people provide a delicious, nourishing, and wholesome source of protein, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme. It will prevent overpopulation. For first, it will provide a great alternative to the much contested issue of birth control. Birth control policy planning can be a complicated political matter. However, abortion rates will rapidly decrease once people become aware of this safe, convenient alternative. If families are uncomfortable with eating their own offspring, they can purchase their nourishment from government-regulated vendors.

Secondly, not eating factory-farmed animals, which are cultivated in the most unsanitary of circumstances, will save humans from a variety of diseases, so long as the flesh is well-processed, and the stock is well-fed and kept isolated from contamination, pre- and post-harvest.

Thirdly, having this regulated and healthy protein source available provides an excellent alternative to a vegetarian lifestyle, which has been growing in popularity as these health scares become more frequent. Although becoming vegetarian may seem like the most logical of options on the surface, a rise in vegetarianism would actually put the planet in imminent danger, causing poor health in humans and wreaking environmental havoc on our planet’s dwindling flora.

I profess that I have no other motive than the public good of humankind.

*Click to read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

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